


we're here to steal your bride

by arcanawildcard, clairelutra (exosolarmoon)



Series: proof of concept [2]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Thieves, Benevolent Kidnapping, Gen, Human Morgana, light magic kaito themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-27 13:40:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17767829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcanawildcard/pseuds/arcanawildcard, https://archiveofourown.org/users/exosolarmoon/pseuds/clairelutra
Summary: "You were supposed to steal arock,Joker! Arock!"Oracle's voice was reaching hitherto untouched pitches of 'shrill'—which was saying something, given the pitches her voice could reach under normal circumstances."What are we supposed to do with ahuman?!We're kidnappers now!Criminals!They're gonna catch us and string us up by ourguts,Joker!""We were already criminals," Joker soothed as he winched himself and the unconscious Okumura heiress slowly down behind a pillar."That's a whole entire human person!""—and I already got the rock," he went on, ignoring her. "What's a little extra kidnapping?"





	we're here to steal your bride

_Notice of Intent;_   
_At 22:00, on September 14th, 20XX, we will steal the Treasure of the Met._

 _Signed,_   
_The Phantom Thieves_

* * *

"You were supposed to steal a _rock,_ Joker! A _rock!"_

Oracle's voice was reaching hitherto untouched pitches of 'shrill'—which was saying something, given the pitches her voice could reach under normal circumstances.

"What are we supposed to do with a _human?!_ We're kidnappers now! _Criminals!_ They're gonna catch us and string us up by our _guts,_ Joker!"

"We were already criminals," Joker soothed as he winched himself and the unconscious Okumura heiress slowly down behind a pillar.

_"That's a whole entire human person!"_

"—and I already got the rock," he went on, ignoring her. "What's a little extra kidnapping?"

Oracle whimpered.

Rather than the legal repercussions, Joker was more worried about making it out of here at all. The Okumura heiress wasn't any heavier than the average short young woman, but sixty-five kilos was still sixty-five kilos. A _little_ heavier than the gemstones and art pieces he was used to making a getaway with.

"...I don't get it," Mona said plainly over the comm. _"Why_ did you kidnap Haru Okumura?"

"Yeah!" Oracle seized on that. "What the _heck?_ Were you taken over by a _pod-person_ or something?"

"You caught me," Joker agreed, landing in a crouch just out of sight of the swarming police force out on the grounds. "Take me to your leader or we will sacrifice the inhabitants of your puny little world to our great god, Prometheus."

"Joker..." Oracle was rapidly losing her hysteria, which had been temporarily substituting for her patience.

He sighed, easing the trench coat off his shoulders so he could wrap it around the girl. That dress was far too pink for stealth. "Someone drugged her. Didn't want to just leave her there."

"Ohhhh..." Her voice was entering its normal ranges again. "Still! You didn't have to _kidnap_ her. Where are we even gonna keep her?"

"We'll figure it out."

"I hate it when you say that."

* * *

In the end, they carved out a space in the basement of the hotel they were staying in, stuffed it full of stolen linens, and made a token attempt at tying up Miss Okumura before leaving her to sleep off the rest of the drug.

"I... guess we could ransom her?" Morgana suggested, sitting on a large pipe and looking vastly out of his depth.

"Oh-kay?" Futaba crouched by the makeshift bed and peered at their captive. "And hoooow do we do that?"

"We could make a ransom video," Akira suggested. He'd traded his waistcoat and leather pants for a worn hoodie and jeans, and was now observing Miss Okumura from a little further off, atop a discarded storage crate.

"Wait, people do that in _real life?"_ Futaba goggled at him. "I thought that was just like... in the movies and stuff."

Akira shrugged helplessly. How should he know?

"I dunno, guys," said Morgana. "I mean, couldn't they use the video to figure out where we're holding her hostage?"

"Mrr..."

"And do we even _want_ to be the kind of people who hold innocent girls hostage?" Morgana went on, shooting a glare at Akira.

Akira studied the far wall, carefully expressionless.

Kidnapping _was_ pretty far outside of the Phantom Thieves' MO. The worst thing they'd done to other humans were indirectly causing a few broken bones here and there. Their public image (not to mention pending charges) probably wouldn't escape this incident unscathed.

He just... really didn't like the way her date had been looking at her.

"We could always say it was a mistake," he suggested, and got not one, but _two_ unimpressed glares for his trouble.

"I must say, I've never been kidnapped by mistake before," said a new voice, tiny and feminine.

As one, all three Phantom Thieves nearly jumped out of their skins.

Miss Okumura sat up, gingerly tested her restraints, then looked at them all with big, soft brown eyes.

Both Morgana and Futaba had frozen like deer in headlights. Akira wasn't much better.

"Forgive me for asking, but how _did_ you kidnap me by mistake?"

It was rather strange to be addressed with such regal respect by a small young woman tied up in rope, Akira had to admit.

"Uhhh..." said Morgana.

Miss Okumura cocked her head.

"Err... well.. we, um..." Morgana stalled in silence for a solid three seconds, then blurted, "—need information!"

_We do?_

"On the Jewel of Eigaon." Morgana hopped up and folded his arms over his chest. "We're trying to find all the Jewels of Persona, you see, and this one is escaping us. We know that the Okumura family was the last known holders, but no one knows what happened to it after that."

Akira hadn't known that.

"And you kidnapped me when trying to question me?" she suggested, more innocently curious than anything else.

No one could quite manage to look her in the face.

Then her eyes went wide in realization. "The Jewels of Persona—could you be trying to rival the Phantom Thieves? I did hear that they would be at the Met Gala..."

Akira glanced at Futaba and Morgana and found them looking back at him. They were agreed: there was no way they could tell her that the internationally renown Phantom Thieves were an ex-shut-in, that one guy who'd been to Juvie once, and an orphan street rat.

"...Something like that," he said. He leaned forward. "So, what do you know?"

Miss Okumura didn't answer immediately, a crease forming between her eyebrows.

The Phantom Thieves waited.

Eventually, she said, "I do not know much myself. I had never heard of it. However... I would like to make a deal with you all."

"A... deal?" Morgana repeated, surprised.

Miss Okumura nodded. "I believe that I can find you the information you want, but in exchange..." She trailed off, gaze falling and mouth tightening.

Futaba and Morgana traded a look.

Miss Okumura took a deep, steadying breath and finished, "Please help me disgrace Shouji Sugimura."

...Well. Agreeing would be a more graceful way out than anything Akira could think of.

Morgana was frowning thoughtfully and Futaba had a neutral, open look on her face. _No objections there._

"Alright," said Akira, standing and stuffing his hands in his pockets. "You've got yourself a deal."

**Author's Note:**

> cleaning up an older snippet~
> 
> noooot happy with joker's characterization in this one, but his characterization didn't really start to settle for me until very very recently (long after this was written lol) so... 
> 
> it was theoretically going to be haru/akira but i couldn't quite make it click... as i type this, i realize that maybe it'd work better as haru/futaba or haru/morgana...? //takes notes. anyway ye a h. it was going to play out as an alternate confidant link that ended with haru officially joining the phantom thieves.
> 
> ... ~~damn, i'm getting invested in haru/futaba now~~


End file.
